im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
