Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
