My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
