i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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