Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
