If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
