i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
