the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
