Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
