Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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