It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
