The maid of honor just puked.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
