There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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