can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Someone shattered a urinal.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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