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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

  (806): View more from Texas

  i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

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• (914): View more from New York

  I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

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• (518): View more from New York

  Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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• (415): View more from California

  my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks

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• (337): View more from Louisiana

  I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off

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