I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
