I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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