I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
