The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
