I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
