Your tits are I can't wait for
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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