I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
