Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
