Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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