I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
