The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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