oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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