when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
