I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
