Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
