I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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