I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
