if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
