does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
