Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
