im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I believe in your delicious
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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