MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
