remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
