Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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