why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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