so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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