oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There's always time for handjobs
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
