i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
