I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
