Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just had sex on a roof
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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