if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
