cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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