My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
