She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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