You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
