I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
