Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize