My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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