Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
