Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
