Will you blow on my dice?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
