whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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