I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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