Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize