I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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